You know I don't know what it is, but keeping my heart alive in God is a FIGHT!  In days past I just let things come and go, some days I was attentive to the Spirit and some days I wasn't and that was just how it was.  I can no longer allow that kind of inconsistency in my own heart.  The grace of God has awakened me again to my desperate and constant need for the influence and assistance of the Holy Spirit.  I need Him just to make it through the day right now.  There is a line to a song that is making more sense to me all the time it says, "but now I see that I'm more complete everyday that I can't live without you."  I'm saying amen to that with all my heart, but man it is hard to stay in the place of leaning.  Isn't that weird?  It's hard to stay in the place of dependence on God.  Why?  It is a battle to rest.  It is a battle to be at peace.  wow.
You know God is teaching me about some huge issues right now and I am really really excited about them all.  He is teaching me how to say Yes to Him.  He is teaching me what it means to have faith the size of a mustard seed.  He is teaching me how to be a friend.  He is teaching me about the calling on the church as a collective whole to behold and reflect the Glory of God to the earth and back to God Himself.  He is teaching me about the place of wisdom in the heart of a believer.  He is teaching me about creativity and productivity and how God created us to live in such a way that He is the fountain but we are the outflow.  He is teaching me the REALITY that God works by creating a man and putting dreams in His heart and empowering that man as He operates from faith to create something beautiful that produces fruit for the Kingdom and brings Glory to God.  All of these things are being planted in me right now, but the one that is REALLY HARD for me to learn right now is the one that feels the smallest but that I think is probably the biggest.  How to stay "in the vine".  How to flow in "repentance and rest" and "quietness and trust" every minute of every day.  How to keep my heart in God.  How to lean.  How to wait.  wow.  Oh God I want this thing.  I can't even explain it, but I want it.  I need it.