I have been doing a lot of thinking lately – maybe it is the holidays. For me they have always been an introspective time; a time to dwell on the internal traffic of Josh. I really like doing that a little too much. It is part of the narcissistic facet of my personality. The annoying part about it is that the Holy Spirit likes to use these times of introspection, which my flesh indulges in to feed my sense of self righteousness and piety, to reveal to me deep schisms between what I say I believe and the truth of my life.

I am a guy who collects deeply held beliefs. I like to go beyond the surface of a thing and get to the governing principals of that thing. What makes people tick? What makes organizations run the way they do. What are the flaws in the foundational principals of a person or group that manifest themselves in cracks on the outflow of that person or group. What is the tangle in the roots of the tree that sends forth the bad or stunted fruit? My deeply held beliefs grow from my understanding of those foundational principals that should govern and shape all that is built upon them. I do not believe that my personality flaws, my recurring sins, my bad choices or my lack of wisdom in one area or another are causeless; they come from some unformed or mutated understanding of the truth that my life is built upon. For instance; if I believe 2+2=5 my higher math will be really really screwed up! If my grasp of simple phonics is incorrect then my pronunciation of complex words and phrases will be laughable!

I am in a search for the gaps in my own understanding of these type of foundational principals. I want to know where those cracks are and how to mend them.

Psalm 139 is King David’s voicing of this cry. Search me! Know me! See if there be any evil way in me! I can only echo him and say amen. Only the Holy Spirit can see clearly enough and with the power of His word cut deeply enough to do the surgery that needs to be done in me, and while I know that until Eternity I will never be finished with this process, I refuse to be discouraged. What I am after is the knowledge of God. The wisdom and revelation Paul prayed so fervently for, and this treasure is worth a life time of searching.

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