After a long absence from Blogging I have returned. I would say sorry about the absence but I had nothing to write so I wrote nothing! I pulled up the blog more than once thinking I would write and nothing came so I shut it down. This last weekend I have been in deep thought and prayer. I have been thinking about the gospel. I have been thinking about the church. I have been thinking about my heart and my relationship with Jesus. I have come to one conclusion…I am not satisfied.

Not satisfied with the gospel that I live out. Not satisfied with the church. Not satisfied with my heart and definitely not satisfied with my relationship with Jesus.

The gospel I live out (notice I said the gospel I live out not the gospel as it is, and they really shouldn’t be any different but sadly enough they are) is weak and thin and powerful enough to keep the convinced but not to convince the ones who do not know the truth. I am not here to reveal some deep hidden sin or some life crushing problem, there are none to reveal. I am a sinner and I do have problems but anyone who has read this blog more than once knows those two facts beyond any certainty! What is bugging me is the lack of change that is going on AROUND me. I am not different enough from the world on the inside! On the outside maybe I am, but the important thing is the inside. I am not different enough in the depths of my heart. My faith, my commitment to Christ, my working out salvation with fear and trembling is not deep or rich enough.

I look around me and I see such beautiful things. I see depth, beauty, thoughtfulness, richness, philosophical honesty, and justice. These are reflections of God. I am stirred by them. I am awakened by them to my shallowness. When I look at the church I very rarely see any of those things. I see laziness, wastefulness, thoughtlessness, etc. I see all of US (I am completely including myself) taking grace and gospel for granted and sitting on our haunches feeding ourselves and rejoicing in our own light rather than shining it around. I see us forgetting the needy, giving gifts that sooth our conscience, but not loving from the heart; putting resource into “funds” for the invisible poor but not giving $50 for our neighbors over due heating bill. Oh God help me to SEE! I keep my eyes closed so tight, just to avoid feeling obligated and guilty. Oh God forgive me.

I am in a search now for that deeper life. A thoughtful, joyful, sober, God saturated, God consumed, God centered, others filled life. I want to own it, not just be able to describe it. I want to live it. I want to live it and not be puffed up with pride about it; only grateful for the grace of God and always looking for more to do, not because I feel like I have to but because I want to. I really want to.