That was my question to myself yesterday. I started discussing with myself (as I often do) the deep inner issues of my confusing heart. These self discussions usually become a prayer but they don’t start that way. They usually start with some moment, almost always a Holy Spirit inspired moment, when I am confronted with the reality of the interior of Josh. 99.999999999999999% of the time I don’t like what I am confronted with. (I tend to be an arrogant jerk every once in a while that is the .0000000000000001% that’s left) That is probably why He confronts me! Then I go into introspective mode. “Why did I react that way?” or “Where did that come from?” slowly but surely, as I am guided by the Holy Spirit’s revelation of myself, I move deeper. Usually to arrive at some core issue deep in my heart that remains unresolved. One of the most common of them is a place where I don’t trust the Lord. It is amazing to me how much of my sin is motivated by a lack of faith. The other REALLY common place I end up is cost. It cost less in my value system (not God’s) for me to lie, cheat, steal, or whatever than it does to do the right thing. Ouch those hurt. Whatever the case I am called upon by God in that moment to repent (not just say I’m sorry but to TURN and go the other way) and ask for forgiveness. Many times God the Holy Spirit has to highlight that place in me many times before I see any victory there, but He is gracious always and He is the bringer of Freedom so I trust Him to know what I need when I need it.
Yesterday I was in the midst of one of these journeys into repentance when God touched a place that I recoiled at in fear. The question came, “do you involve yourself in leadership, worship, and teaching, even in writing your blog for you or for me?”
Uh…. Was all I had to say. “Not the right answer.” I heard.
“I hope it is for you but you are probably going to tell me it is for me.” I answered.
“More honest now thank you. I think you need to think about this a bit. Is any of this activity really for me? Or is it primarily about your ego, your self esteem, your desire to be adulated and followed?”
“Which is it Lord?” I asked timidly
“Do you really want to know?” was His only answer.
My answer was if it is Jesus then take it away. I think I meant that. It was one of those moments where I meant it with my head and forget my heart for the moment. Even if my heart doesn’t mean it right now I want my heart to mean it so hear the prayer regardless Lord. You know those moments? Yeah.
I really don’t know why I am writing this other than to say that if I have been wrongly motivated my whole life, and it is a distinct possibility, then forgive me my friends. I am only a broken man. This too may be an exercise of my vanity. Again if it is I am sorry.
I love you all.